If You Could Get Married in a Pub in The Middle Ages, Why Expect so Much From Relationships Today?

Your spouse cannot, and should not, be your everything

People in medieval Europe just wanted to get it on. Or, they just wanted arranged marriages to make money for their families.

Marriage was about sex or status back in the middle ages.

We expect so much more from it now, which is lovely in some ways but can be damaging.

With the church having a great deal of power in medieval Europe, as a Christian, the only way to make sweet love to your partner without burning in hell was to marry them.

Fortunately, for couples back then, the rules were pretty loose.

The only requirement for a binding marriage was the consent of the two people involved—no need to ask your family or bring in a priest. You could get married just about anywhere at any time. Forget about witnesses. You didn’t need them.

Wanna get married at your buddy’s house down the street? At the local pub? How about in bed? Sure! No problem.

You got married so you could make love whenever you wanted and take care of each other. Plenty of relationships were arranged, sometimes before the couple even meets each other, to help the families gain status or money.

Having concerns about falling in love or fulfillment wasn’t the main focus. I believe in love, but I also feel we’re taking our ideas of what marriage can do for us too far.

We expect far too much from marriage

Discovering this enlightening bit of history made me think about how much we expect from marriage today. I believe in taking it seriously and honoring its sanctity. Still, I bet people would enjoy the bonds of marriage more with a little less weight stacked on top.

I’ve been married for over fifteen years to my amazing wife, and even though we’ve been through ups and downs, I’m glad we’ve stayed together. We both choose every day to make the relationship better or work together on issues that need improvement.

My wife and I view marriage this way because we both had divorced parents when we were kids. I think it forces us to look at our relationship every day and ask, “Is this worth breaking up over?”

We know how it feels not to have both parents together, so we constantly check ourselves over what’s most important.

Unlike in medieval times, we are blessed with so much because life is much easier now. We think marriage should fulfill us physically and spiritually. Our partners should be our everything. Having children should be a magnificent blessing that improves our lives tenfold.

Many people think uniting with another should wash away their pain and make life easier.

Until we actually do all of these things and realize that married life with children is complicated and stressful. Heck, I have only one child, and everything is crazy. Imagining raising multiple kids fills me with anxiety.

Yes, family life is more fulfilling, and you can have a great deal of fun if you work together as partners, but life is not easier. In a lot of ways, it’s more complicated.

The only way to end a marriage in the middle ages was to prove it never existed. All the experiences, time, and effort you put into building something together with someone — erased.

I know people still do this today by getting an annulment. Still, the fact that we have more choices now can make you think about what you plan to get from vowing to stay true to only one other person for life.

Are your expectations even realistic?

Lower your expectations and become flexible

Maybe you desire certain things from your partner because you watched your parents growing up doing or trying to be that for each other. Does that mean it’s okay?

Have you decided love means your wife makes dinner for you every night or your husband must make a certain amount of money?

Marriage can look the way you both decide. Try lowering your expectations brought on by childhood and talk about what your actual needs are. This might not look like a traditional marriage. Your parents might disagree, but if how you live together is safe and works for you, go for it.

If you’re unhappy with how much your partner is giving to you, try cutting in half what you expect from them. Decide what’s most vital for you to feel loved, and ask your partner for more of those one or two aspects.

Your spouse cannot, and should not, be your everything.

Do you think married couples in the middle ages were concerned their partner isn’t there emotionally for them twenty-four hours a day?

They were too busy trying to survive. Life now may feel much more manageable than back then, but the truth is, we’re all still trying to survive. In nicer homes with more comfort — but it’s survival nonetheless.

Giving your marriage all you’ve got but at the same time relaxing your expectations is challenging but possible. Most relationship issues can be worked out by being open with your partner and having uncomfortable yet honest conversations.

An exception will be if you’re with someone physically or verbally abusing you. That is a reason to leave. No one should keep trying to keep a relationship alive with someone who treats them like trash.

Of course, sometimes a marriage should end. I get it. I’ve had relationships back when I was dating, where we parted for various reasons. Breakups are hard. I believe most bad marriages can survive, though.

Let’s say you both want drastically different things out of life, and you’re moving in different directions. I can see that pulling a marriage apart.

Being open with each other about your needs and where you’d like to go in life makes it easier to figure things out. I bet you could work something out if you’re both committed to being flexible.

You could decide to follow and support your partner as they pursue their needs for a set number of years, and then you get a chance next, and then they help you. This means you’ll have to slow down what you’re pursuing for a time, but when your spouse moves forward, you’re there with them, knowing you helped along the way. Then, it’s your turn to push ahead.

When you take the commitment aspect of marriage seriously but keep an open mind about how it should look and feel depending on your needs, you’ll make better decisions.

Married life may be more complicated today compared to the middle ages. But with more freedom and choices in our society, we have to choose to take full responsibility.

Get better at choosing what marriage will look like together with your partner, and you’ll be centuries ahead of the crowd

4 Signs You’re an Unapologetic Introvert

Illustrated by the author.

Who won’t let extroverts get in your way

Do you have what it takes to be introverted and still succeed?

Our society places a load of respect on extroverts and the importance of breaking out of your shell. But is being a social butterfly really the height of human existence?

If you’re the type of person who wants to hide away from it all and spend your time working on projects, it’s viewed as a negative that can often hurt introverts.

I’m an introvert, trained to be more social and extroverted because I thought it would help me succeed. Now, I’m discovering I don’t need to put myself out there as much as I once thought.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re weak.

I’m sure there are introverts with more confidence than me. Living extraordinary lives — working behind the scenes and staying comfortable in the shadows — being who they are meant to be.

And not apologizing for it at all.

I believe the idea of whether or not you’re extroverted or introverted is a relatively new concept in our society. So when I asked my parents which one they are, they were surprised by this distinction, and I had to explain the differences to help them pick.

An extrovert is outwardly focused and not only enjoys socializing with others but gets energized by attending significant events and parties. Spending a great deal of time in groups and talking with someone else brings them to life. They need the time together with people to fill up their tanks and to feel fulfilled.

On the flip side, an introvert is more inwardly focused and might enjoy social activities. Still, it gets their energy sucked out of them by spending too much time around others. It doesn’t mean they’re just shy. I actually love talking with friends and going to fun events. Still, I can only stay for a certain amount of time before I’m exhausted.

For an introvert like me, going home and having quiet time alone helps to recharge my batteries to feel like myself again. Relaxing with a good book or having a chance to be in my own head while writing or drawing feels like heaven.

Let’s decide right now to not let extroverts put us down.

This looks like a black and white type of issue, but it isn’t. The degree to which side you fall on varies. You could have a little more extroversion but love your time alone to think and process your experiences.

Wherever you may fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, you should feel good about it. Some studies show introverts don’t need to behave like extroverts.

As introverts, we have what it takes to be successful in business and in life. But it just might look a little different.

Maybe even better.

Here are four signs of unapologetic introverts and how you can be more like them:

1. They stay quiet and keep their heads up

Being introverted is fantastic. Accepting that fact with confidence and pride is essential for success. But, of course, there’s nothing wrong with acting like an extrovert to properly introduce yourself to new people and engage in exciting conversations.

Still, it doesn’t mean you have to be outgoing at all times.

How to do it:

When you feel like leaving — for time alone to recharge — do it. Think about how vital it is for you to have time to yourself and figure out a thoughtful way to say, “Thanks, but I gotta go.” then escape.

No matter how tempting it is to try forcing yourself to speak up in meetings, for example, when you’d rather listen, go with what your gut tells you. You can say to yourself, “There’s power in silence.” to give you the confidence to stay quiet.

If you have something to say, share it, but don’t feel obligated.

2. They know what they want ahead of time

Unapologetic introverts think ahead and know how they’ll behave around others because they’re comfortable being themselves. They understand that sometimes they have to do extroverted activities and be more outgoing. Still, they can put a limit on how often.

Did you know, introverts excel at problem-solving, academics, regulating their behavior, and taking fewer risks that may cause harm compared to extroverts. In other words, they’re thinkers, and I would guess, planners.

Use this to your advantage.

How to do it:

Prepare for the situation you are about to enter and decide how you’ll handle things. Know what you want to receive and how you’d like to be perceived and be ready with responses based on your personal beliefs. This may be you deciding on boundaries of what you will and will not do or how someone will treat you.

Begin with the end in mind. Even picking work or a business that doesn’t require you to be around a large number of people for hours on end takes knowledge of self and forethought.

I like choosing to spend time talking with one good friend instead of several together at a large gathering. Studies have shown that the connection and meaning I and other introverts get from more intimate conversations helps bring them joy.

If you’re someone who values the individual person you’re with, the other person will sense they have your full attention and feel special.

3. They protect their solitude

Courageous introverts know when to say “No” and are not ashamed when they need time away. True solitude must be scheduled when you have a busy life and a load of responsibilities. Alone time and creative thinking breaks are like that precious pot of gold they guard with their life.

Come to think of it, they take time for fun, not just make time. Introverts do the work that makes money and the side hustle that is their passion but will make sure to spend quiet time on activities for sheer fun and enjoyment.

How to do it:

Taking away from other activities or chores for what brings you joy is a start. In addition, learning to manage your time better is a massive help and can free up more space for quiet reflection.

Add your solitude retreats to your calendar. Make them just as important as a meeting with a client. The more you see it on your list of to-dos for the day, the more you’ll take them seriously.

If someone tries to cut into your solitude time, tell them no, unless it’s an emergency, then add another solitude entry on your calendar right away.

4. They let others know what they need

What if someone doesn’t understand your decisions? No worries. Introverts worth their salt are not afraid to explain who they are when deemed necessary. After all, who else will look out for them?

The default behavior in society is extroversion, so if you’re moving in the other direction, let ’em know.

You can be direct and clear about what you need and why.

How to do it:

Share, openly and honestly, when you’re not comfortable doing something and let people know why. Then, the other person will see what you need and get to know you as an individual.

Suppose I need time to myself to draw, for example. In that case, it’s better to talk to my wife about possible times in the day where I can have a couple of hours to illustrate a comic strip.

She knows me well, but I can still tell her I’m feeling emotionally drained and need time to refill my creative spirit. That way, she gets that I’m not trying to run away from her, but the time is for helping me stay balanced.

When you’re an unapologetic introvert, you teach people how to treat you and show them who you are. Give them the reasons for your choices but add how they will benefit you and how not doing it could possibly hurt.

One example, if you’re uncomfortable with a crowded gathering, you have no problems saying, “No, thank you. That event will be overly stimulating for me and drain my energy.”

Naturally, there are times when you must put yourself out there for business or help family and friends. If the person cares for you, though, they’ll understand if you decline. But, on the other hand, if they don’t understand, well, you know that living authentically as an introvert means there’s no reason to apologize.

Final thoughts

Let’s value our quiet alone time more often and embrace solitary thinkers. Hiding from socializing doesn’t mean you’re weak. Instead, accept the power of being who you’re truly meant to be.

You don’t have to be the center of attention to gain respect. In fact, if you’re someone who listens and asks pointed questions well, people will admire your attention and care for them and the situation. Especially if it’s clear you don’t need to be in the spotlight.

You’re fine speaking only when necessary.

When you’re proud to be an introvert, you’ll discover your quiet confidence has value and will garner respect. So go forth, and be the introvert you were meant to be today.

To Create, or Not to Create, While in Quarantine

That is the questions. Here’s the answer.

Illustration by Khalid Birdsong

Waking up at the crack of dawn to draw and write is no easy task, but I’ve grown accustomed to it. Today, on the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel the pull of the bed calling me back.

This is normal in regular times but much more powerful recently. Is it smarter to push through and get work done during these stressful times or give your body the extra rest it needs?

I chose to stay up and fumbled around, getting my coffee made. Doing marketing tasks like scheduling future social media posts, and writing possible gags for new comic strips — nothing all that heavy. When I start this way, it usually leads to turning my engine on and getting deeper into a creative drive. Where I’m eventually motivated to make more focused work like drawing or writing articles.

Perhaps you’re like me. Sandwiched between your desire to rest more and the awareness of all you could achieve during this forced-flexible time at home due to quarantine.

The two opposing questions floating around in my head always — Why not use this time to get more done? On the other hand — Why should I force myself to do anything during such a major pandemic?

The world needs your art during this time. Your perspective, voice, and experiences can help others. It’s incredibly important for you to find a way to put your work out there.

Here’s what I think is going on and what I discovered we can do to move forward towards our artistic goals.

Stop feeling guilty

Reading articles about famous people in the past, like Isaac Newton, who discovered the theory of relativity during a quarantine. Or, was that Einstein? Didn’t Shakespeare write a famous play while sheltering at home? I bet someone wrote a brilliant piece of classical music while forced to hide away from a plague. Something like that. I think all the motivational articles are getting jumbled up in my head.

The point is, they make you feel like this time of quarantine is not for letting it all go and slowing down, but for working harder. For creating something brand new and absolutely fantastic.

You start feeling concerned about yourself and, yes, guilty. Why can’t I make something earth-changing during this time? There are more opportunities to focus on smaller projects. Isn’t this what people will expect of a creative person?

There’s only one truth to accept.

Creatives get overwhelmed, frightened, and exhausted by world events, just like “normal” humans. We’re not above or beyond it only because we can escape to other places in our minds.

There are times when we make stuff with ease and times when we need to just sit and stare out into space to process it all. With nothing but a clean slate of negative thoughts in our heads and swirling mixed emotions in our hearts.

I want to have the freedom to work when my creative energy is turned on, but I’m afraid that if I get out of a routine, I’ll just stop and not make anything anymore. My momentum will hit a wall and seep into the gutter.

“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I recognize this is what’s going on, I change how much I expect to get done. If you’re feeling this same guilt and overwhelm, schedule time to work but limit it. Instead of an hour, work for thirty-minutes.

There’s nothing wrong with cutting back.

Go ahead and be exhausted

Taking life a day at a time is something I need to improve on. I’ve seen more than ever how good days can be full of powerful, productive energy, and others are a slow drag to even begin.

This past weekend I was completely out of it. I felt like strings were attached to my limbs, and someone was pulling down on them, making it hard for me to move. Heavy body and mind issues plus plenty of chores to take care of around the house, forced me to make an important decision.

I needed to “do” less and let some things go. I’m just too tired.

Feeling exhausted right now is ok. It’s more than ok. You should expect it and give yourself some time off.

The only way to have productive days right now is to give yourself “processing time” to recharge on those tired, emotionally exhausting days.

Give yourself time to ease in

The struggle to produce content just happened to me today. This morning, in fact. What you’re reading is a result of gradually working my way to writing this article.

If you know that starting off not wanting to work but doing small things to help you transform into a “focused flow state productive mind,” is possible, you can have more confidence in the process.

“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Celebrate your wins

You should definitely create your writing, art, and music while in quarantine. Take a hybrid approach by dedicating yourself to both your mental health through regular periods of rest and your need to create with longer than typical stretches of scheduled work times. This way, you know you have the time to gradually get into the groove.

“Life is 10 percent what you experience and 90 percent how you respond to it.” ~Dorothy M. Neddermeyer

Even if it seems like you only completed a few tasks, celebrate them. I had to tell myself, “Good Job!” today for getting something done, even though I was totally not in the mood at first. We could always do more.

Make good friends with patience and invite understanding into the mix. I know you will keep the creative momentum going and succeed in artistically expressing yourself.

Even while trapped inside this box, we call quarantine.

Fried Chicken and Sushi 225 All clear for a break up!

Looks like this is it!  J pulled together enough strength to clearly state that he's breaking up with HER!  It can be really difficult to break up when the other person isn't ready.  Are you happy that he finally did it?  Let me know in the FORUMS or comments area to the left.  Thanks for reading!

Fried Chicken and Sushi 224 Does breaking up over the phone count?

I think it's perfectly fine to break up over the phone but some people just don't agree.  J's girlfriend is delaying the inevitable and should just let it go.  He at least tried a ninja text message so he could partly be there in person!  If you missed the other time J did a ninja text message, you can read it HERE.

Fried Chicken and Sushi 216 I need to be understood

I have a feeling J's girlfriend understands him on one level but not on any others.  Come on, aren't most guys big kids anyway?  Can't really give her much credit.  I know I enjoy watching cartoons and reading comics and I'm a grown man!  I"m also a pretty responsible man.  She should really pay more attention to the man he is and stop trying to make him into something he's not.  Hopefully, this talk will give them both something to think about though.  J can really decide what he needs in a relationship and possibly end this one. 

One more shout out to the FORUMS!  Discuss, connect and enjoy!

Fried Chicken and Sushi 215 The truth comes out!

Oh, my!  J just couldn't hold it in anymore!  Once you put it out there, you can't take it back.  Let's hope J is ready to open up and be truly honest with his girlfriend about his feelings.  This could turn out to be a good thing. ;)

Don't forget to discuss in the FORUMS!  If you're new to the comic, follow me on TWITTER and FACEBOOK!

Arigato!

Fried Chicken and Sushi 208 Beverly, Beverly, Beverly!

I'm sure you're thinking that J needs to take a long hard look at his relationship and his feelings for his girlfriend.  I would agree!  You guys have been giving great comments and observations lately.  Thank you!

Shout out to the FORUMS and my wonderful FACEBOOK PAGE and my ramblings on TWITTER!  Join in!

Fried Chicken and Sushi 207 Tell me about your girlfriend

Isn't it interesting how sometimes you don't know what you're missing until someone comes along to remind you?  Of course, there's much more to a successful relationship than just enjoying hobbies together but it looks to me like J's girlfriend doesn't even want to try to enjoy his.  There will be a lot going on with J in the near future so I hope you'll continue reading to join in on the adventure!  If this topic excites you, start a conversation in the FORUMS.  Thank you to those fans that have already made comments!  I love to hear from you!