Two Words That Make Success Easier

This is what it takes to get where you want to be.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Don’t be fooled by quick and easy success stories. Making it big takes a lot of hard work.

It’s even more hard work than you think because success involves getting out of your own way.

I know you want to believe you can stay the same, and luck will bless you and suddenly change your life for the better, but this is juvenile thinking. Growing up and realizing that you have to put in time and effort to succeed is significant.

Success takes two essential ingredients most people run away from like the plague—even if they know working hard is a primary key.

I’ve lived a pretty good life, worked as a writer, artist, and teacher, and even traveled the world. Without two truths, I could have never done all that I did and plan to continue doing in the future.

If you can get navigate pushing through these two words, success can be more effortless for you to attain.

1. Failure

As a writer and cartoonist, naturally, I’m a fan of animated films, especially ones made by Disney. You may feel like everything the company does has always been a success.

So not true.

The Walt Disney Company has had successes and failures over its almost 100-year history. Slow times and fast. But it kept figuring out ways to keep going because they understood disappointment is a part of taking risks and doing business. Walt ingrained this idea into the studio.

Before Walt Disney started the company with his brother Roy, an editor at a newspaper he worked for told him he lacked imagination and had no good ideas. I bet that pissed him off a bit but gave him the fuel needed to prove him wrong.

“I think it’s important to have a good hard failure when you’re young… Because it makes you kind of aware of what can happen to you. Because of it I’ve never had any fear in my whole life when we’ve been near collapse and all of that. I’ve never been afraid.”

-Walt Disney

You have to be willing to try and fail. Yes, you may look like an idiot or embarrass yourself, but what you’ll learn will help you make new and different choices next time.

If you look at failure as a part of the learning process, something you need to get better and discover what works, you can use it.

People who never fail never really try.

You don’t have to like it, but make friends with it so you can reach your goals.

2. Discomfort

No one knows how to face discomfort like stand-up comedians. I may love writing humor in a comic strip format and have to face the possibility my readers won’t laugh at the joke, but I don’t have to meet them in person.

One of my favorite comedians is Jerry Seinfeld. Not just because he was able to get a hugely successful TV show with his name on it, but because he has a unique style and delivery, and most importantly, he never uses curse words.

That’s tough to do.

After his first set doing stand-up as a young comedian on the circuit, I read that it didn’t go well. Seeing the audience made him freeze when he set foot on stage, and he was booed off.

Think about it. Seinfeld could have said “Screw this!” packed his bags, and left that world forever.

Instead, he decided to get over himself and make success as a comedian more important than his discomfort on stage. I bet he could tell it was something he could get over if he practiced more. If writing jokes gets easier the more you do it, so can dealing with standing up on stage.

Of course, we all know how that turned out. Jerry Seinfeld was right to keep working through the discomfort.

Truthfully, it’s still uncomfortable for me to put my work out there, but I’ve learned to get used to that awkward feeling. You have to know that not being comfortable means you’re growing. The skills you’re learning, or the way you’re thinking about something new are being stretched.

Even though that’s a good thing, it’s only up to you to decide to keep facing discomfort head-on.

Make a point to try new things to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Talk to random people on the street and ask them questions about their life, volunteer to present new ideas during meetings at work, put your writing out online wherever you can, and brace yourself for criticism.

Doing what you fear will build up your tolerance for it and make it easier over time.

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

- Jerry Seinfeld

Getting good is the real secret

The main reason to grow more decisive in dealing with failure and discomfort is to get better at doing your craft. People want to read, watch, and hear good quality work, and if you make stuff and make it well, they’ll notice.

It’s incredible how easy it can be to give up because we can’t handle things not going the way we think they should. You will win when you give yourself the space to fail and feel like crap, but get back up and keep making—even if your success takes years.

If there’s one thing we can’t deny, it’s high-quality work. Good writing, beautiful music, and clever ideas get noticed, even if we’re unsure why it’s so great.

A combination of daily work, to get better, then facing your fears to put it out there can make a difference. When one of my articles gets a lot of attention or a comic strip receives many positive comments, I know I connected with people.

Even if that doesn’t happen for every piece, I put out, I know continuing to produce, learn, and iterate will help give me more chances at success.

It’s never just luck, even though luck can help. Working through setbacks and challenges will get you where you want to be in the long run.

Your success in life is proportional to how much risk and discomfort you can handle. Now get out there and fail more.

Want more? If you’re struggling with doing original work, click here to join my (free) email list, and through comics, articles about culture, and living your truth, you can upgrade your mindset and share your art with the world.

5 Truths The “Queer Eye” Hosts Can Help You Discover About Living Authentically

And how to put them into practice.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Discovering what you need to improve your life and then taking steps to actually do it are two different things entirely.

No one would argue values like practicing self-love, having confidence, and pride in yourself are essential for a fulfilling life.

So, why can’t most of us figure out how to be that person?

The power of the Netflix streaming show “Queer Eye” is how it jolts regular everyday people back into who they know they are and helps them discover how to be fully present in the world. I’m all for those ideals, but I’ll admit—and don’t hate me here—at first, I wasn’t sure if the show could be for me.

After all, I’m a straight Black male who’s not even into fashion. Isn’t that the main reason to watch the show—for the seemingly magical makeovers?

We wanted something uplifting to watch as a family and their season visiting Japan pulled us in, like a top-rated sushi restaurant on Saturday evening. I kept looking over my shoulder, afraid someone imaginary might catch me watching and laugh, but as the first episode progressed, I began falling in love.

I was pleasantly surprised by the life-changing emotional makeovers. The hosts take everything deeper by getting to know the person they’re helping and showing how much they care. It’s more than just about your outward appearance.

You get to recognize some of what we all are facing internally and watch the guests heal or move forward through heaps of fear and pain.

The “Fab Five” cast members each take on a different part of the transformation. They show us the secrets to living our truth. Here’s what you can learn from them and how to put them into action.

1. You’re not alone in suffering

“Queer Eye” gives us Karamo Brown, a Black psychotherapist and TV host who steps in to help you remember all the beautiful parts of life you forgot or are turning your back on regularly.

Karamo sits down and has quiet and heartfelt conversations with the person nominated by a family member or friend for the show and works out with them how to overcome their sadness, laziness, and lack of motivation they’re going through.

Seeing a Black man comfortably and calmly talking about feelings with each person is delightfully refreshing. The fact that he’s in a private setting and not in front of a studio audience helps it feel authentic like he genuinely cares about helping them grow.

I’ve done therapy in the past, but this show reminds me of the lightbulb moments you can have when talking to someone trained to hear and help with your issues. You know you don’t have to carry everything alone.

Takeaway: Help is out there, and with it, you can learn to let go of what’s holding you back. Make a point to find a therapist or talk with someone close to you openly on a regular basis.

2. Your personal space at home matters

If you live in a sh*thole, you’re going to feel like sh*t.

Bobby Berks understands what it means to have a space that lifts your spirits. He’s an interior designer with a heart of solid gold and willing to re-organize your room to make you feel safe and creative again.

His job is to re-arrange your place, so you get the chance to improve your interpersonal relationships, and feel rich and relaxed at the same time. Of course, when you have guests over, they feel your personality radiate out from your colorful decor, creating an atmosphere of joy.

Takeaway: Make time to clean up your home to give space for everything to breathe. Find ways to add color and cute small touches to your home like photos, throw pillows, and rugs. If you can afford to hire an interior designer—do it. They can take what they learn about you to create spaces that make you feel healthier and happier when you’re at home.

3. Clothes help make you look and feel fabulous

Tan France is an English fashion designer of South Asian descent, he is here to give you tips on what clothes you should wear and the ones you should avoid. His mastery of discovering what cuts and colors work well for your body type is phenomenal.

I’m not a big clothes shopper, and not good at noticing what works well on me. So, watching Tan help people looks like magic. My sister has helped me find and take chances on new styles in the past, and I’ve always appreciated her help and eye for fashion.

Seeing the closet of new clothes, picked exclusively for the person in that particular episode of the show, always gets me jealous. I want a designer to help me learn how to dress to impress.

Takeaway: Take more risks on new clothes. You might not have a designer with you to go shopping, but take a friend or family member who can pick out something they think could work. Sometimes you just need someone else to encourage you.

4. Cooking and eating well is a magical gift of life

The kitchen is the center of a home where we not only learn to cook, but how to socialize and work together as a family and as human beings.

Antoni Porowski, a Canadian food expert and TV personality, gets into your kitchen to get rid of unhealthy food and teaches how to cook and connect with yourself. His recipes create a healthier lifestyle and, for some, a deeper connection to their family members.

Food not only fills your belly, but helps you understand your culture while you create something delicious by hand. Cooking and eating together is the way humans have been cooperating since the beginning of time. Learning to cook makes you a part of history—your family’s and the world’s.

Takeaway: Learn to cook. Start with one dish you can make for dinner. Improve on it and have it as your go-to dish when needed. You can make it for yourself, as a way to help your family, or to impress a new friend. The pride you’ll feel for being able to cook a delicious meal will boost your zest for life.

5. Your hairstyle reflects your personality

I shave all of my hair off and enjoy going completely bald, so I’m not sure what that says about me as a person.

Back when I had hair, I remember trying different afro styles to see how it made me look and feel. Hairstyles have personality and can change your appearance.

It’s important to take them seriously.

My personal favorite of the five, Jonathan van Ness, is a hairdresser bursting with personality who focuses on your image by giving you haircuts that matches your personality and facial structure. They excel at pampering your skin and your confidence, so you glow for yourself and to others.

I’m always surprised with how guests on the show believe they don’t need to update their hair or makeup and want to stick to what works. Or, what’s comfortable. Watching Jonathan break them out of their shell and become almost like new, even uplifts the way they carry themselves.

Takeaway: Have the courage to talk with a hairdresser or barber about a style that will flatter how you look and feel right now in your life. Be open to suggestions and making changes and then see how it improves your whole being.

Get help from people who care

When you watch “Queer Eye” you discover it’s not just a reality makeover; it’s a game-changing show.

It offers guidance, confidence, acceptance, tolerance, and help getting out of your comfort zone. You wake up to finally having the life you always wanted.

Some of you out here will be able to watch and immediately make changes you know will improve your quality of life. Most of us, will need some help.

One of the biggest truths of the show is if we want to make real change in our life, we need help from people who care. Find, hire, or ask for help and most importantly, stay open to growing as a person.

You have the power to become a game-changer for your own life right now.

Want more? If you’re struggling with making authentic work, click here to join my (free) email list, and through comics, articles about culture, and living your truth, you can discover how to upgrade your mindset and share your creative writing and art with the world.

A Keanu Reeves Quote to Remember When Life Rips You to Shreds

Hint: It’s not about becoming a supervillain.

Image courtesy of screenrant.com.

Experiencing ups and downs in your career and relationships can bring you to the point where you wonder if you should even keep trying.

Life's decisions and challenges can be like an action movie of the mind. You're dodging bullet-like events, staying strong through heartbreak and loss, while walking with your head up to keep from falling to the ground from the vertigo of events spinning around in your head.

Do you have to go through the trauma of losing your wife and exacting revenge like John Wick through a shoot-em-up flurry of gun craziness to feel like your issues have merit?

Nope.

The difficulties you face are more powerful than you're giving them credit for each day.

I've lost a sister far too young, a good friend shot and killed by the police, and took chances on jobs and creative pursuits that didn't work out and left me feeling hurt and utterly defeated.

Loss is something I'm very familiar with, but I still find a way to smile.

Friends and family think I'm always a positive, happy guy who can get through anything. I could never understand why. This quote gave me some insight and might help you too.

“If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, then you’re a badass with a heart of an angel.”

-Keanu Reeves

The pandemic and world events have been rocking you back and forth like a ship in a storm. No one is immune to tough times right now. Please know staying a good person through it all is a testament to your strength and character.

Don't let it break you. Or, even worse, make you hate your life.

Turning to alcohol and drugs is a common way to cope. Not ideal for many reasons and a weak way to handle things, but it can make you think you're doing something to get through.

Remembering you're not a lonely action hero is better.

Find a support system of good friends or groups you can visit to talk through your pain and face it head-on. Feel your anger, shame, disappointment, and sadness so you can release it from your being.

As humans, we need a community to feel cared for and help us stay strong together. There's nothing weak about getting help.

When my youngest sister died at twenty-five years old, I was devastated. Fortunately, a friend suggested a men's support group, and I made the time to attend each week, which was transformational.

I learned about the stages of grief and accepted that some days would hurt like hell, while others would feel better, but over time, I would handle the loss with more ease.

My sister's memory is always there; missing her never goes away, but I keep her in my heart.

Joining the support group was something that would have sounded silly to me if a friend hadn't have cared enough to recommend it to me. It kept me from dealing with it all by taking drugs or other self-destructive activities.

A community can stand by your side and help lift you instead of just giving up.

If current world events aren't transforming you into a supervillain, you're pretty darn impressive. Give yourself some credit.

The truth is, as you age, everything gets more complicated. You get more responsibilities, your body breaks down, slows down, and gets tired easier.

You can toughen up, and I've seen so many seemingly weak people do it and grow the thick skin and loving heart needed to take the punches and still care for others as long as you decide in your head to overcome it all.

Owning your badassness can work wonders for your confidence. You can harden yourself on the outside while staying gentle and flexible inside.

When the guns of life are all pointing your way, know you have what it takes to keep being who you are and give the world your unique gifts.

I hope this pep talk helped upgrade your perspective.

Even heroes need a boost now and then. It's time to get out there and make Keanu proud.

Want more? If you’re struggling with making authentic work, click here to join my (free) email list, and through comics, articles about culture, and living your truth, you can discover how to upgrade your mindset and share your creative writing and art with the world.

4 Reasons Your Hobby Should Not Become Your Business

If you’re good at something, it doesn’t have to be your side-hustle.

Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash

Let’s imagine you’re exhausted and up late working on an important personal project. The one that, once it’s out in the world, will put you on the map and attract attention. With some luck and a little bit of success, your dream of quitting your day job could come true.

Then what? You get to do that every day, all day? Is this really the future you’re hoping for?

Why can’t this be something you do for fun?

If you’re good at something, it doesn’t mean it has to become your job.

I know that’s counter-intuitive to what everyone’s touting online today, but it’s true. Your hobby shouldn’t always become your business.

I’m sure you’re good at many things. It doesn’t mean you have to turn them all into side-hustles that turn into big-time companies.

Unfortunately, I’ve learned this the hard way. My love for drawing comics and writing has led me to pursue making money from them as a side-hustle. It’s not as fun as it’s cracked up to be. Between deadlines, prospecting for clients, and balancing my work and projects with family responsibilities.

We live in a time now, with the internet giving us opportunities to easily share work with the world, where people think you should “Do what you love, and the money will follow.”

We all feel like we’re missing out if we don’t have a passion and pursue it for profit.

Contrary to popular belief, making money with what you love is hard. Does it have to be your goal? Here are four reasons why you might not want to turn your hobby into a business.

1. Hobbies should be fun

Why do you love doing your hobby? If it brings you a sense of joy, for example, isn’t that enough?

If all of your needs are being met by your day job, perhaps adding on more work to make your hobby into a business isn’t worth the extra stress and commitments.

Your hobby should be — and stay — enjoyable. Something you look forward to escaping into and forgetting about the outside world.

I remember my grandfather had several hobbies. He enjoyed making the most delicious fudge and giving it as gifts to family and friends. Should he have opened up a business selling fudge out of his kitchen? Not necessarily.

I doubt he enjoyed it enough to add on all the extra responsibilities involved with a bakery business.

He mainly wanted something fun and fulfilling to do in his leisure time. Making fudge brightened his days and added a little sweetness to others. For him, that was enough.

Knowing you can go deep into something at your own pace, where you think clearly and feel at ease, is a blessing. Don’t complicate it.

“I can elect something I love and absorb myself in it.”
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931–1934

2. Making it a business turns it into work

We don’t always know if what we love to do will be something we enjoy doing full-time. It takes experience, yes, but also honesty. Do you love your hobby so much that you wouldn’t mind regularly dealing with the business's complex, tedious, boring parts?

If you want to turn your hobby into a business, it will become work.

Drawing comics full-time has been a goal of mine since I was a kid. Even though I know it’s one of the most challenging forms of art to make good money in, I still go after it. I’ve had to take on other jobs to pay the bills when comics weren’t bringing in enough, and most of the time, comics would become my side-hustle.

Becoming a professional at anything means learning to work even when you’re not in the mood.

I learned to do that by making comics and pushing through the “resistance” in my head when it would try and hold me back from not only getting art done but taking care of more administrative tasks.

Now, I know I can be a professional comic artist because I like the day-to-day work involved. I haven’t reached my full-time goal yet, but I’ve had years of freelance experience to get a good idea of what it would feel like.

When you put your hobby to the test, by intentionally treating it like a business, you’ll be able to feel whether or not it’s something you could do as your job.

I get it. You might need a side-hustle right now. It could be that a side income is vital to save money or pay for outstanding bills. Does your hobby have to be the way you make that money, though?

There’s nothing wrong with getting a part-time job in retail or driving for Lyft for a certain amount of time — think seasonal work — to save up enough for you to get back into a good place.

Do anything you can to keep your hobby as an outlet and a source of release.

3. Should you monetize your obsession?

People can get way too into their hobbies. Like collecting memorabilia or toys, for example. Nothing wrong with those hobbies, but I’ve seen friends lose their minds over a piece of plastic. If you’re obsessed with a hobby, can you think straight enough to make it a business?

Will you identify all of yourself as that hobby if you make it a business and carry unrealistic expectations on your shoulders? For example, “I’m a writer now, so I must write every day for five hours, or I’m a failure.”

Sometimes we love a hobby so much; it becomes an obsession. If you can’t stop painting portraits of politicians to make a statement, and no one can give you feedback or suggestions on how to grow because you refuse to listen. Maybe this shouldn’t be your business.

You need to be open to pivot and take on new ideas when things aren’t succeeding for a business to work. If you can only do things your way because this hobby is everything to you, it should probably stay a hobby.

“Whatever you like to do, make it a hobby and whatever the world likes to do, make it a business.”
-Warren Buffett

4. Be selfish when it comes to your hobby

Keep something just for you. You don’t even need to share what you make or create with anyone. Let your hobby remain an outlet for life’s frustrations and hide it for yourself. If you need to share it with someone who has more experience and gives you feedback, great.

I bet there are plenty of creative people who work professionally and never show it to anyone. That way, it’s for themselves. Or, they keep it for their family and friends. If one of those people wants to buy from them or support the work, they can.

A few years ago, I was learning to play the ukulele. I wanted to do it for fun with no expectations of performing live in front of strangers. It would be a relaxing hobby I didn't need to press myself to do professionally, like drawing comics.

I spent about two years practicing chords and learning songs on the uke. Having a hobby only for the fun of it was terrific. The only problem, music takes a regular committed effort to improve. Balancing work, drawing comics, and being a family man proved to be too much.

It hurt, but I had to stop playing the ukulele. I went from practicing every day to a few days a week, to only once a month. All of my time went into improving as an artist and not a musician.

Facing the hard truth—I didn’t have time for a musical hobby—was tough to face. But, I accepted it and put down the uke. Who knows, I hope to have time to get back to playing it again in the future when I have more time for myself.

Drawing in my sketchbook is purely for fun now. I don’t have to share my scribbles with anyone if I don't want to, and the practice makes me a better artist for the comics I share with the public. Hobbies can have a private and a public side if it helps keep you growing and feeling balanced.

In conclusion

All hobbies are not good businesses. Just about anything can be made into one, but you have to be honest with yourself about what you can handle.

Find a nice balance of interest in the subject matter, love of the creation process, and detachment from the perfection of the final result.

When you can look at your work objectively, share it with others, take criticism, make changes, and still enjoy what you’re doing. It might be the proper pursuit for you.

Try and keep these points in mind when deciding if your hobby should become a side-hustle:

• Hobbies should be for fun. If yours is mainly for fun and a way to relax and unwind, don’t make it a side-hustle.

• Making your hobby into a business turns it into work. Are you ready to deal with the not-so-fun parts of running a company connected to what you love?

• Don’t try and make money from your obsession. If you can’t even think straight while doing what you love because you’re so engrossed by it, maybe it should stay a hobby. It would be best if you could be objective about your work to grow it as a business.

• Keep your hobby to yourself if you choose. You don’t have to share it with anybody. Remember, I didn’t play the ukulele for people I didn’t know. It was my private hobby. One I’m looking forward to getting back to soon.

Make time for your hobbies in your leisure time to stay balanced and recharge. Let your interests become your job or side-hustle when you need one.

That way, you can enjoy what you do for a living and still have energy for your passions.

Struggling with creativity and putting your work out regularly? Join my (free) email list and discover how to upgrade your mindset here.

4 Signs You’re an Unapologetic Introvert

Illustrated by the author.

Who won’t let extroverts get in your way

Do you have what it takes to be introverted and still succeed?

Our society places a load of respect on extroverts and the importance of breaking out of your shell. But is being a social butterfly really the height of human existence?

If you’re the type of person who wants to hide away from it all and spend your time working on projects, it’s viewed as a negative that can often hurt introverts.

I’m an introvert, trained to be more social and extroverted because I thought it would help me succeed. Now, I’m discovering I don’t need to put myself out there as much as I once thought.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re weak.

I’m sure there are introverts with more confidence than me. Living extraordinary lives — working behind the scenes and staying comfortable in the shadows — being who they are meant to be.

And not apologizing for it at all.

I believe the idea of whether or not you’re extroverted or introverted is a relatively new concept in our society. So when I asked my parents which one they are, they were surprised by this distinction, and I had to explain the differences to help them pick.

An extrovert is outwardly focused and not only enjoys socializing with others but gets energized by attending significant events and parties. Spending a great deal of time in groups and talking with someone else brings them to life. They need the time together with people to fill up their tanks and to feel fulfilled.

On the flip side, an introvert is more inwardly focused and might enjoy social activities. Still, it gets their energy sucked out of them by spending too much time around others. It doesn’t mean they’re just shy. I actually love talking with friends and going to fun events. Still, I can only stay for a certain amount of time before I’m exhausted.

For an introvert like me, going home and having quiet time alone helps to recharge my batteries to feel like myself again. Relaxing with a good book or having a chance to be in my own head while writing or drawing feels like heaven.

Let’s decide right now to not let extroverts put us down.

This looks like a black and white type of issue, but it isn’t. The degree to which side you fall on varies. You could have a little more extroversion but love your time alone to think and process your experiences.

Wherever you may fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, you should feel good about it. Some studies show introverts don’t need to behave like extroverts.

As introverts, we have what it takes to be successful in business and in life. But it just might look a little different.

Maybe even better.

Here are four signs of unapologetic introverts and how you can be more like them:

1. They stay quiet and keep their heads up

Being introverted is fantastic. Accepting that fact with confidence and pride is essential for success. But, of course, there’s nothing wrong with acting like an extrovert to properly introduce yourself to new people and engage in exciting conversations.

Still, it doesn’t mean you have to be outgoing at all times.

How to do it:

When you feel like leaving — for time alone to recharge — do it. Think about how vital it is for you to have time to yourself and figure out a thoughtful way to say, “Thanks, but I gotta go.” then escape.

No matter how tempting it is to try forcing yourself to speak up in meetings, for example, when you’d rather listen, go with what your gut tells you. You can say to yourself, “There’s power in silence.” to give you the confidence to stay quiet.

If you have something to say, share it, but don’t feel obligated.

2. They know what they want ahead of time

Unapologetic introverts think ahead and know how they’ll behave around others because they’re comfortable being themselves. They understand that sometimes they have to do extroverted activities and be more outgoing. Still, they can put a limit on how often.

Did you know, introverts excel at problem-solving, academics, regulating their behavior, and taking fewer risks that may cause harm compared to extroverts. In other words, they’re thinkers, and I would guess, planners.

Use this to your advantage.

How to do it:

Prepare for the situation you are about to enter and decide how you’ll handle things. Know what you want to receive and how you’d like to be perceived and be ready with responses based on your personal beliefs. This may be you deciding on boundaries of what you will and will not do or how someone will treat you.

Begin with the end in mind. Even picking work or a business that doesn’t require you to be around a large number of people for hours on end takes knowledge of self and forethought.

I like choosing to spend time talking with one good friend instead of several together at a large gathering. Studies have shown that the connection and meaning I and other introverts get from more intimate conversations helps bring them joy.

If you’re someone who values the individual person you’re with, the other person will sense they have your full attention and feel special.

3. They protect their solitude

Courageous introverts know when to say “No” and are not ashamed when they need time away. True solitude must be scheduled when you have a busy life and a load of responsibilities. Alone time and creative thinking breaks are like that precious pot of gold they guard with their life.

Come to think of it, they take time for fun, not just make time. Introverts do the work that makes money and the side hustle that is their passion but will make sure to spend quiet time on activities for sheer fun and enjoyment.

How to do it:

Taking away from other activities or chores for what brings you joy is a start. In addition, learning to manage your time better is a massive help and can free up more space for quiet reflection.

Add your solitude retreats to your calendar. Make them just as important as a meeting with a client. The more you see it on your list of to-dos for the day, the more you’ll take them seriously.

If someone tries to cut into your solitude time, tell them no, unless it’s an emergency, then add another solitude entry on your calendar right away.

4. They let others know what they need

What if someone doesn’t understand your decisions? No worries. Introverts worth their salt are not afraid to explain who they are when deemed necessary. After all, who else will look out for them?

The default behavior in society is extroversion, so if you’re moving in the other direction, let ’em know.

You can be direct and clear about what you need and why.

How to do it:

Share, openly and honestly, when you’re not comfortable doing something and let people know why. Then, the other person will see what you need and get to know you as an individual.

Suppose I need time to myself to draw, for example. In that case, it’s better to talk to my wife about possible times in the day where I can have a couple of hours to illustrate a comic strip.

She knows me well, but I can still tell her I’m feeling emotionally drained and need time to refill my creative spirit. That way, she gets that I’m not trying to run away from her, but the time is for helping me stay balanced.

When you’re an unapologetic introvert, you teach people how to treat you and show them who you are. Give them the reasons for your choices but add how they will benefit you and how not doing it could possibly hurt.

One example, if you’re uncomfortable with a crowded gathering, you have no problems saying, “No, thank you. That event will be overly stimulating for me and drain my energy.”

Naturally, there are times when you must put yourself out there for business or help family and friends. If the person cares for you, though, they’ll understand if you decline. But, on the other hand, if they don’t understand, well, you know that living authentically as an introvert means there’s no reason to apologize.

Final thoughts

Let’s value our quiet alone time more often and embrace solitary thinkers. Hiding from socializing doesn’t mean you’re weak. Instead, accept the power of being who you’re truly meant to be.

You don’t have to be the center of attention to gain respect. In fact, if you’re someone who listens and asks pointed questions well, people will admire your attention and care for them and the situation. Especially if it’s clear you don’t need to be in the spotlight.

You’re fine speaking only when necessary.

When you’re proud to be an introvert, you’ll discover your quiet confidence has value and will garner respect. So go forth, and be the introvert you were meant to be today.

Can You Stay Who You Are While Living Overseas?

Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

I know people who believe you can never change

“If I move to another country, I’m staying myself. There’s no way I’m becoming a different person.” 

A coworker said to me after telling him about my experiences living in Japan for two years, meeting my wife, and explaining how the experience changed me for the better. I shared that I had to become a different person while living there. The look of utter disbelief on his face threw me off. 

He couldn’t see something like that happening to him. He explained further, “You never stop being who you are just because you’re in a different place. I’m always me at my core.” 

I understood where he was coming from but disagreed and couldn’t think of what to say at the time in response. I knew for a fact this person never lived overseas. How could he know? I learned that he had visited other countries, sometimes for several weeks, but never spent a year or more in one. Let alone a country in Asia. 

Living as an expat takes an open mind and a great deal of flexibility. 

I believe, to respect the culture you’re living in, you have to change some of who you are if you hope to join in and succeed. Some of it means living the saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” 

The other side involves making peace with becoming a different person. You can’t stop it from happening. Accepting your change doesn’t make you weak. 

If you’re a good person at heart, I think you can stay you deep down, but you will grow and evolve. I’ve seen how living abroad can change people for the worse and how they can even surprise themselves. 

As soon as you leave a familiar environment and accept the fact that you’re not going back to it anytime soon, you change. 

The jolt of culture shock hits right after arriving in Japan.  

I moved to Osaka to teach English in Junior High Schools with the JET Programme. My interest in learning about the country, culture, and language brought me there. The application process for JET took almost a year, so I was thrilled when I was accepted and finally arrived.

JET chooses where to place you but gives you the option of living in the city, suburbs, or countryside. I’m not a big city person, so I chose the suburbs. Even though I knew very little Japanese, I figured there would be enough people who spoke English there to help me settle into life. 

I was wrong.

Another JET teacher who lived in a town nearby was sent to my little area of Shimamoto, thirty minutes north of Osaka city by train, to help show me the basics. The apartment JET chose for me was old and unfurnished. I had to shop for futon mattresses, no western-style bed, that I would roll out every night to sleep right on the tatami mat floor. Totally different from how I slept in the U.S.  

August, one of the hottest months in Japan, and my air conditioning unit was broken. I met the other JET teacher in town, and she told me I could buy a new one, but it might take a few days to get it delivered and installed. Of course, she, or someone who could speak Japanese, would need to come with me to buy one.

I remember crying alone that night thinking, “What have I done?” Traveled across the world from Atlanta, Georgia, to Osaka, Japan, without friends or family to live in an old hot, and humid apartment without air conditioning. The culture shock hit me hard. 

Someone had to help me open a bank account, teach me how to get around on the subway. I worked in a school where I was the only non-Japanese person and couldn’t understand what anyone said.

Needless to say, I was uncomfortable. Living with discomfort was my everyday reality.   

Did this change me? How could you say it wouldn’t? 

I had experience with living abroad as a youth. My father worked as a diplomat, and I was fortunate to live in countries like Germany and the Bahamas during my middle school years. Moving to Germany was difficult because I didn’t speak the language. It was scary going out with family and not knowing what people were saying. 

The way of life was similar enough to America I found. People were a little more reserved and private than in Georgia and took a long time to get to know you. Over time, I learned to understand the people and culture. I got the idea that the language barrier and having patience with settling in was the most challenging part about living in another country.     

Traveling to live in Japan as an adult changed me even further. I was still me, but I discovered there can be much more to adjusting to a place when it’s very different than anywhere you’ve lived before. 

I truly became a new version of myself.

If I had time to explain all of this to my coworker and condense it down clearly and concisely, I wonder if he would see my side? 

Yes. You could be stubborn. Try and decide to behave like nothing in this new country can change you. I have a few ways this might prove difficult, however. Especially if you live in an Asian country where so much is so different. 

The rules of polite society force you to change. 

When you meet new people in Japan, you bow instead of shake hands. If you decide that just isn’t you and try to force a handshake, it will come off as odd or worse, rude. Not only do you bow, but you must learn not to bow too low depending on who you’re with. If you’re with a manager or an elder and you only give a little head nod, you’ll look like you’re being disrespectful. 

Learning these specific cultural rules was exciting to me, but I didn’t catch on all that fast. I can’t even count the number of times I bent my head down low to bow for the principal at my school, and someone pulled me aside later to let me know, “Your bow. It was too low.”

Eventually, I learned but let me tell you, I still make mistakes today. Not growing up with this custom means it isn’t second nature and can be frustrating at times. Learning how to bow is a part of living in Japan; you must learn.   

You are seen as a foreigner and not a citizen.

As an expat in Japan, you’re seen as a minority, even though you might have been part of the majority in your home country. Several white friends of mine had a real hard time with this realization. They stood out everywhere and weren’t used to it. 

They were seen as exotic and strange yet cool and interesting but not looked at as equals. Not as Japanese. If you don’t look Asian, you will be seen as a foreigner immediately—you can’t blend in. Even if you’ve lived in Japan for thirty years. 

You start to see yourself differently. Wondering what you can do to fit in. Learning to speak Japanese to communicate better or working for a Japanese company might help. Perhaps, but on the outside, you’ll still look foreign—different.

What might this do to you over a long period of time? Thinking it won’t mold you into a different person isn’t realistic. 

Getting away with more than in your home country.

Looking different and being a foreigner in Japan has its advantages as well. You can get away with not following some of the rules of society in ways Japanese people can’t. No one will expect you to be an expert with all the rules of Japanese society. 

Some Japanese friends you make may feel envious of how much more relaxed your life can be in Japan compared to theirs. 

When my wife and I were visiting Tokyo several years ago, we had our suitcase with us after checking out of our hotel but wanted to do more sightseeing. A major hotel chain in the area we wanted to explore had a line of people, staying at the hotel, no doubt, giving their bags over to be held until they checked in. I had the idea to act like we were staying there and ask them to hold our suitcase until we come back in a few hours.

My Japanese wife, thought it wouldn’t work, especially if she’s with me. As a tall Black man from America, I could probably get away with it by myself, though. I had to try. 

Sure enough, I got in line, fully expecting someone to ask me which room I’m staying in or to show proof I checked in at the hotel, but no. They just smiled, took my bag, and gave me a return ticket—as my wife watched in amazement at a distance.

This is called a “Gaijin Smash” by some expats. When you take advantage of a situation, most Japanese citizens can’t because you know you won’t get in trouble. The word “gaijin” is slang for foreigners. This fact makes overseas travelers say and do things they never would at home, somewhat like foreigner privilege. 

There’s no way I would have tried something like this in America. I felt a bit guilty for flexing my foreign powers, but we were able to enjoy the rest of the day without lugging our suitcase around. When I came to pick my bag up, they happily returned it free of charge with no questions asked. 

The fact that this is possible changes you. You rationalize and try to make it okay by thinking of all your frustrations with living in the country. Reviewing in your head the times you didn’t fit in, made mistakes, and embarrassed yourself. The studying like crazy to learn the language and never speaking quite fluently enough. “I deserve some breaks every now and then.” you think. 

Living in Japan is hard. Making a life for yourself is challenging anywhere, let alone in a foreign country. 

The expat exceptionalism can consume you. Unless you paid attention to how you’ve changed and decided what stays and what goes, it could turn you into a monster. Recognizing the privilege that comes with being different in Japan means thinking deeply about your actions and who you are. 

I don’t think I did as much of that before Japan.  

Allowing people who are different from us to open our minds. 

Learning to live in another culture can help you appreciate differences and see people for who they are as humans. Because of this, you’re forced to look in the mirror at yourself and your beliefs. In fact, that can be the most challenging part of travel. 

My coworker may feel like living abroad could never change him, but it’s inevitable. You will change. 

If you live in Europe, maybe not as much. Surely, you will need to adjust to different cultural expectations there, too, and different attitudes towards world politics, religion, and relationships. You will still grow and change.   

If we can see that as a good side effect to travel and accept rather than reject how we’ve adapted to new environments, our tolerance for differences will grow. I hope more people will spend time in other countries and take on the personal growth involved in living abroad. 

You can read Khalid Birdsong’s comic strip inspired by his experiences living in Japan at www.friedchickenandsushi.com