What Losing a Writing Job in Tech Taught me About Impostor Syndrome
/You are who you decide to be.
Three years of freelance writing on the side while teaching full-time finally got me noticed by recruiters and hired as a copywriter for a major tech company in silicon valley. I was considered a contractor, though, not a salaried employee.
And it was only for three months — with a possibility of extension.
I’m embarrassed to admit; this messed with my self-worth and confidence as a writer. Even though I’ve been out in the world of work for over twenty years, my positions have either been as a salaried teacher or freelancer.
Being a contractor felt like a weird in-between. You do the job with hours just like salaried coworkers, but you don’t get paid time off or health benefits. Everyone is so excited about that three-day weekend coming up, and you’re thinking about how it’s one more day of less pay.
Even though you’re working just as hard.
I will say I enjoyed the fancy office space and the nice laptop they provided. The free coffee from the latte machines was convenient and delicious. Lunch wasn’t free where I worked, but you got a full meal for cheap each day plus dessert.
Yes, I gained a little weight during my first few months.
Writing in a cubicle at a desk that raises and lowers at a push of a button was glorious. I loved the flexibility of either writing while standing and then lowering the desk to sit whenever I wanted. These small perks were good.
Maybe too good?
As a contractor surrounded by people who seemed to have more experience, stability, and confidence in their jobs, I realize that I had a serious case of impostor syndrome.
People who struggle with impostor syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think — and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them.
Facing reality
There I was, finally getting an opportunity to work as a writer all day, every day, and get paid more than my teaching salary. I was concerned about what my position said about me as a person and a professional.
I could get in the door, but not in all the way.
Fortunately, I did a good enough job to add three more months to my contract, then six more after that. Once a year was up, I wasn’t offered a salaried position as I’d hoped.
Another hit to my ego.
The work I was doing was good enough to keep me there but not enough to bring me on fully, I suppose. I stayed there, got another six months added to my contract, but the company could only keep me legally for a year and a half in total.
I’m sure this kind of thing happens all the time with contract work, but it felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt like an impostor.
Thoughts of not possessing enough talent to be a legitimate part of the team flowed through my mind constantly. In other words, impostor syndrome hit like a ton of bricks.
Until a friend helped me look at it differently.
Every job is temporary
A friend of mine who works in tech came to visit at the time for lunch. I discussed not getting hired for a salaried position and these feelings of inadequacy plaguing my confidence.
How come I can only stay a contractor? He stopped me abruptly and shared the truth.
In silicon valley, everyone’s a temp.
Even people who seem secure in their position can be let go tomorrow. Sure, it could be because of poor performance, but internal changes and just bad timing can come into play.
I was accustomed to the world of education, where you normally can stay on the job at least through the academic school year. Getting fired in the middle of February, for example, rarely happens. Unless you’ve done something crazy, I could count on staying employed between August and June every year.
In the corporate world, you never know when you could be let go. Even if you’re a superstar. Things happen. In fact, I saw other hard-working contractors get let go at the end of their contracts before me.
I understood that appreciating the skills I learned and the people I met on the job was most important. Not whether or not I stay for many years.
Besides, I noticed a lot of people change jobs every year or two now. They learn what they can, make connections, and move on.
That’s okay. As long as you know and respect who you are inside, you can succeed anywhere.
Knowing it could end at any time is the reality for everyone.
Save your money and prepare for the worst. Enjoy the experience and learn all you can in the meantime.
I had to stop equating hard work with stability or guaranteed success.
They’re not necessarily connected. Just because you work hard doesn’t mean you’ll always succeed in everything. You’ll definitely have better chances for it, but life doesn’t always work that way.
When the pandemic hit, we were all sent to work from home, and my department announced a hiring freeze. The writing was on the wall.
I wasn’t going to get hired on “permanently,” and when my contract was up, I’d have to say goodbye.
I required a new mindset to move away from the idea that I was never a good enough writer for the position.
Only you can decide you’re a writer
I’ve been writing comic books and comic strips since I was a kid. It never felt like “real writing.” You know, the kind novelists or journalists do. Learning how to write to get people to take action, copywriting opened my eyes to writing being more broad and open than I once thought.
Maybe I am a writer after all. I thought getting paid to write full-time would finally bring that home. It helped, but I still had to repeat in my head, “I’m a real writer” to accept it fully.
Only you can decide you’re a writer. Once you do, you’ll see writing can look many different ways.
Creating emails and promotional copy is just as much “real writing” as prose. I see that now. The truth is, I enjoyed writing in a corporate setting much more than I thought I would.
I spent some time at my desk each day, focused on writing and editing copy, and then met to discuss strategy with my team members. I was a writer then, and I’m still a writer now working on this article.
As long as I choose to be.
Final thoughts
I might have lost the writing job, but I was able to move back into education. The world is crazy, and teaching in a school is a safe place, I understand. Having the opportunity to also write for the school in their communications department helps me feel like my skills will not get all rusted up.
Even if I’m not writing all day, I know in my heart I’m a writer. It feels great to have worked in different positions as a freelancer, contractor, and now part-time writer.
Experience can help you feel less impostor syndrome, especially if you work with kind and helpful coworkers. Who knows, though, my next position might feel too big for me, and I have to convince myself I’m worthy of it all again.
I’m not worried. Accepting the fact that I’m a writer always helps.
