An Open Letter to The Blogger Who Signs Off With "I Love You"

Isn't that presumptuous, or is it just me?

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Dear Crossing The Line Blogger,

You continually write "I love you" in the sign-off of your articles like you're my lover. When I read it, it makes my insides shudder. Not in a good way, mind you. In the way, that feels like someone is coming on too strong, and I want them to back off.

I appreciate your kindness and would like a little more space between us. How about you only share your life-changing information? I get my one takeaway and can then move on in peace.

Stop acting like we have something special together. I don't know you like that. You may say you love me, but I have a hunch you don't even know how true love feels.

Here’s a sample of the end of one of your articles:

“The life you choose is the life you get. If you want new experiences, it’s your job to go after them. Take a risk, and live the good life you’ve been dreaming about.

I love you,

Jack”

Stop coming on so strong. If you think I'm smiling and feeling special because you get to confess your love each week in your articles, you're wrong.

Have you thought about how this might make your readers feel? I mean, really feel? Maybe you think you're a wonderful person who genuinely cares for others and would never do them harm, but I don’t know you.

How do I know what kind of person you truly are when you log off of your computer? You could be treating your real loved ones like dirt while telling me I'm in your love circle.

Here's a frightening thought, you could be an abuser. Your love for everyone could be crossing so far over the line, you’re saying it to every person you meet at all times.

If you're finishing at the checkout at the grocery store, for example, and the clerk gives your change, then you whisper, "I love you." Wouldn’t that be crazy?

Control yourself.

What? Am I presuming too much? I don't know you after all. Maybe you're a good person with a kind heart. You want me to know someone out there loves me. Well, I'm getting plenty of love, buddy. I don't need your empty words.

I have no desire to get love from someone who probably gets off the bus, turns around slowly, focuses their dreamy eyes on the driver, and says, "I love you." The pride you feel for making the bus driver’s day gives you a pep in your step. So much so, you catch the eye of others on the street walking by, and they can't help but say "Good morning" in response to your positive energy.

What do you say in return? "I love you," of course, and scares the heck out of them.

Are you that person who goes out with their coworkers after hours, gets drunk, and yells, "I love you?" while falling all over them at the bar? They tolerate you until you barf on Tim from accounting’s shoes.

Consumed with shame, you look up at him, with those inebriated puppy dog eyes, and exclaim, "I love you, man!"

I think it might be time to hit the unsubscribe button.

Letting you know how uncomfortable your sign-off of love feels is pretty hard, but maybe it will help you make different decisions in the future. Think about it. Saying you love me and all of your readers takes away from the power of showing it through your advice and the value you provide.

Like the phrase, "show, don't tell.” And in this case, you should definitely stop telling. Your love should already be present in the type of articles you write.

Stop ruining the vibe.

If you're always saying it, I know readers will think you're not genuine and cancel you. Like I'm about to do.

My days of dealing with discomfort because of your poor choice of words are over. Even though I’ve never met you in person, I can tell you need help. I’m good at noticing these types of things. If you learned something, I hope you’ll change how you talk to your followers.

Goodbye.

Oh, and I love you (see how cringy it feels?),

A disgusted reader

Want more? If you’re struggling with creativity and putting your work out regularly, join my (free) email list, and through comics and articles, discover how to upgrade your mindset here.

How I Write 257k Words a Day Without Breaking a Sweat

The secrets to my unheard-of success.

Photo by Jake Weirick on Unsplash

*This article is fictional and meant to be humorous. Enjoy!

Your writing skills ain’t got nothin’ on me. While you struggle to post your one article today, I already posted six.

How do I do it, you might ask?

I could boast about my ability to schedule hours devoted to writing articles back-to-back in bulk. Balancing life with two kids and a demanding wife.

I do write in bulk, but here’s the real key. I’m always writing. Bulk writing is my life. My entire life.

The wife and kids I mentioned earlier, I rarely ever speak to them in person.

They write me. In texts, via email, even on Facebook messenger. They know my goal is and must remain, being a top writer. This is what I live for, and they give me the space to pursue it all.

Sleep? Who needs it?!

I can survive on two hours a night. Even with that one day a month where my body gives out completely, and I crash into the bed, sleeping for 24 hours, I am still a consistent writing machine.

I keep a notepad by my bed and it’s filled with notes I generated subconsciously in my sleep. My wife says when my hand is writing, she dare not wake me lest I lose the next Kubla Khan.

I might be a writing God.

I was once like you. Disappointed with my writing progress and wondering how to add more words to my documents each day.

While you stress over what time to squeeze in a little typing time, I’m writing like lightning. Striking my Macbook like pebbles in a tornado.

A storm that never lets up.

I was once like you. Disappointed with my writing progress and wondering how to add more words to my documents each day.

After reading several articles on productivity, it came to me.

I must go all in. So, writing is all I do. Taking time to shower is a luxury. Even after I get out, my laptop is waiting next to the sink. I only dry my hands as I begin writing again, letting my bare body air dry.

I bet you think my wife is jealous. She’s more envious of how much time I spend caressing my coffee mug. The number of coffee beans I need to fuel this obsession could fill a grain silo. Make that two. My wife knits constantly and shares this devotion to caffeine and productivity. We never buy clothes, thanks to her incredible knitting prowess.

Before you start getting worried about who takes care of our kids, let me calm your fears. We practice “Free-range Parenting.” That’s right; our children take care of themselves. We homeschool, and they fend for themselves. My kids learn more from the Disney Channel than they would in college.

I will admit we have groceries scheduled for delivery every Sunday, so food is provided. Every Saturday, we have cleaners come to wipe away a week's worth of our creative survival mode. We’ve thought of everything.

The harness with a desk attached makes it easy to go out for walks while writing. Writer friends talk about how they get inspiration during their walks. Well, I get to walk, get ideas, and write them immediately. In fact I send them to the cloud with Siri for when I get home. The cloud doesn’t care where I am. You shouldn’t either.

I’m a full-time writer, after all. This is the life I built and the one I choose to live. If I let up on the gas, I might lose it all. The only way to win is to keep adding and pushing harder.

Before you start getting worried about who takes care of our kids, let me calm your fears. We practice “Free-range Parenting.”

Everyone wants to be like me. They don’t have the fire to make it happen. These wannabe writers are lazy, unfocused. I know what it means to give your all for what you love.

Your passion.

If you can’t do what you love, every day, all day, then what’s the point of living? Those of you with weak wills full of fear know—you have what it takes to succeed. Put a razor-sharp focus on your goals and eliminate everything else. You will be rewarded with fame, fortune, and millions of words written a day.

With success comes more work and more hours of writing. You never know when someone will inch up behind you and take your spot.

Don’t let them pass.

My last and final goal is to discover how to write three 600 word articles every hour for 24 hours with original illustrations. Anyone can do Unsplash. I want people to link to my stories when they use my art. I will get there, mark my words.

Top that, losers.

Don’t Ever Interrupt Dad’s Morning Routine- Here’s why

Photo by Maria Lysenko on Unsplash

As told by his twelve-year-old daughter.

I don’t know about you guys, but my Dad wakes up crazy early in the morning. Like, why does he do this? It’s 4:30 am, and he’s up meditating, making coffee, and writing. Every day. 

Boring! 

Yesterday, I thought it might be fun to see what all the fuss was about. Just for the heck of it, you know? Maybe it’s fun getting up early and doing responsible stuff. I also thought it might drive him a bit crazy, so I had to try it. 

Dad’s always blabbing on and on about how good it feels to get things done first thing. So, I set my alarm for 4:15, to get up just before him, and pulled myself out of bed. 

It sucked! 

I was dizzy and could barely walk. What’s fun about this? Anyway, I was determined to surprise Dad, so I pushed through, washed my face, and stumbled into the living room, ready to look responsible. Dad must have seen the lights on and stomped out of his bedroom in shock. 

“What are you doing up? It’s 4:30 in the morning. Go back to bed!” he shouted. Where’s the love, Pops? Not even a friendly, “Good morning” first? It’s like he wants to be alone and doesn’t even want to see me. 

How rude.

Well, I was certainly the better person as I kindly replied, “I wanted to try getting up early and see how it feels to have a head start on my day. Just like you recommended.” I made sure to give him a warm smile as I looked back down at the history book I was reading.

Dad paused for a moment, looking off in another direction, and then back at me with that crazy-eyed look he gets when he’s pissed and said, “Ok, then. Since you’re up, I have a few things for you to do.

“No way, Dad, I got up early to study!” I yelled at him. Dad said, “Nope, you’re twelve and live in my house. You don’t get to rise early and do what you want. Not until you help out around here.”

Uh-oh. I thought to myself. 

Dad forced me to do chores and stuff. OMG! Can you believe it? It’s like he wanted me to learn a lesson or something. You guys will not believe what he made me do. This article is meant as a cautionary tale for all you readers out there.

This is what your Dad may make you do if you interrupt his early morning routine:

1. Make you clean up your room and make your bed. Then, dust everywhere and use Windex to clean your windows and mirror. Twice.

2. Make you learn how to make coffee for him so the next time you get up first, he can drink it. He will not let you drink any of the coffee.

3. Make you finish any homework you have but will not help answer any difficult questions.

4. You will have to hear him repeat, “You want to be a part of my morning routine? Then you’ll need to do some of my routines.” over and over again.

5. So, that means he’ll make you meditate with him for thirty minutes. Thirty minutes, people! It’s like so long and boring!

6. Make you do twenty push-ups and then some weird yoga poses like that down-facing doggy one.  

7. Make you read from a book on some philosophy called Stoicism where dudes thousands of years ago tell you how to not sweat the small stuff. Actually, this part wasn’t half bad. 

There you go. That’s how it all went down yesterday morning with Dad. It was fun to see the shock on his face when he saw I was up earlier than him. I don’t think it was worth all the crap I had to do, though. He wouldn’t let me watch TV after all that or even get online.

If I were you, I would steer clear. Just wake up at your normal time and leave Dad alone. This morning, I slept as late as I could. I’ll leave all that early riser mess for when I’m a grown-up.

You should too.

I THINK ROCK MUSICIANS ARE VAMPIRES - Should we fear them?

Photo by Bruno Reyna on Unsplash

They only come out at night. Clad in leather with long hair and makeup. Their music haunts your soul, and voices pierce your heart.

They’re rockers. And no one ever seems to fear them.

If I know one thing, we all need more to fear.

Rock musicians are clearly vampires. They are using their music to mesmerize you and concerts to lure you as their prey.

I advise approaching them with extreme caution.

With a documented history of vampire violence against innocents—hundreds, maybe even thousands of years of it—why aren’t we frightened?

Did you know that in 1863, in the village of Dekekuoi, Bulgaria, people were regularly attacked by a mob of young, possibly leather-wearing, sparkling vampires? They screamed outside of the villager’s homes and threw excrement at any pictures of religious figures.

Until an old witch (Baba Yaga?) decided she’d had enough and went to a local cemetery. She found the vampires’ graves and deduced that they must be escaping through holes in their tombstones. The witch sealed the holes, and vampires never gave the village of Dekekuoi trouble ever again.

This was a long time ago. Vampires have adapted. Learned how to blend in. Somewhat.

How often do you see a rock singer during the day? Their leather pants shining in the sun.

Rarely. Possibly never.

If you do, it might be just before a gig the group begrudgingly accepted in daylight hours to make some extra change.

They can’t hunt during the day. The gig had to be just for the money or they most certainly would have stayed in hiding.

If you go to a rock concert at night. Enjoy the performance, but don’t go backstage afterward.

Save a life. Watch the show and go home.

I mean, if vampires can walk among us and be left alone, how come it’s dangerous for everyone else who looks different? The majority of people in this world are not out to harm us. Vampires are, for sure!

Are vampires even real? Probably not.

So, what are we afraid of?